With everything in life there is a beginning, middle and an end. When these events take place is entirely in relation to what and how much energy we attach to said event. Very few of us will think twice or place much emphasis on brushing our teeth every day; however this is an entirely different case when a long term intimate relationship comes to an end.
Whether you have been married or just living together, and where time, effort, personal giving and sacrifice has taken place - emotions and feelings will be very raw. How we handle personally painful times like this defines who and what we are made of as a human being. To illustrate this point two of my friends had a minor bumper bashing a couple of months ago, in peak hour traffic. I forget who was driving, however my one friend Wanda got out of the car checked that everything was okay, checked that driver and passengers in the front car were all right, exchanged details for insurance purposes and got back into the car and was ready to drive off. Millicent, on the other hand was completely hysterical, refused to drive any further with Wanda, who was forced to call the ambulance to come and sedate her and call myself to come and collect her. Millicent has now been in three months of trauma counselling and refuses to talk to Wanda.
The reality is THE EVENT that took place was a minor bumper bashing. What is most telling however is the individualï¿½s personal reaction to the event. More specifically the lack of or the total embellishment of a mythical story that we create around the event.
Wanda, chose not to give her power away, handled the situation as expediently and efficiently as necessary. She also spent the maximum amount of energy that was absolutely necessary on the event for the best possible outcome.
Millicent on the other hand has been completely traumatised and has made herself a complete victim of the event. She has created a completely fictitious story and has given all her power away. She also has lost a wonderful life time friend to boot.
And so it is with divorce or separation, without trivialising the matter, we as human beings love to unnecessarily over complicate our lives. We are prepared to destroy our selves, give our power way, unnecessarily prolong and delay the inevitable. We swallow the poison and expect the other person to die, so to speak. We are also prepared to do the most unimaginable heinous damage to the very people that we allegedly profess to love and care for so much.
In relation to divorce, separation and family law, the question then arises, is who do you want to be? Do you want to be a Wanda or do you want to be a Millicent?
If we are to assume that Millicentï¿½s reaction is that of the legal process, then we see that the total
It is this very lack of guidance that allows manipulative parents with an agenda to hide behind the coat tails of the law and psychologists to meet their controlling agenda.
Until such time that the playing field is levelled and where both biological parents irrespective of whether you are married or not, automatically enjoy equal, shared and are jointly and severable liable for contact, care, guardianship and maintenance. We will continue to have parents that will continue to abuse not only the system but their children and ex spouses as well. So long as we allow the legal and psychological fraternity to take a situation that is already emotionally and in many instances physically out of control for their own personal financial gain, we will never be able to resolve this situation.
So how do you as an individual take back your own power, how do you as an individual work towards the best possible solution, how do you behave as a mature adult how do you be more like a Wanda.
The answer is very simple Mediation. Mediation if both parties commit to the process, can very quickly resolve their separation with a dramatically reduced amount of time and money. Put in perspective if one litigates, a win lose scenario is inevitable, the individual parent can expect to pay anything between R 250 000,00 to R 1, 2mill in litigation and psychological fees over a five year period with no guarantee of outcome or success.
Mediation allows for the healing process to begin, it stabilises and allows for reduction in conflict. It allows for facilitated communication to begin. It allows for a win ï¿½ win ï¿½ win scenario. Where it is possible, the parents and mediator can provide a safe place for children to express their wishes and for those wishes to be included in the final outcome. Mediation allows for a far less emotionally fraught solution to an untenable situation. Mediation where both parties commit can be concluded in approximately three x one and half hour sessions at a cost of about R 900.00 per individual. The quicker you are able to resolve and move on with your life the quicker you are able to heal for the sake of yourself and your children ï¿½ Thus truly conducting yourself in the best interest of the children.
FATHERS-4-JUSTICE is a global civil rights group campaigning for truth, justice and equality in Family Law for children, their parents and grandparents.
We support a child's right to have meaningful relationships with both parents after separation. Children need BOTH parents.
We believe in mediation above litigation in reducing conflict and negotiating responsible parenting plans in the true best interest of the child.
FATHERS-4-JUSTICE will seek to expose miscarriages of justice carried out in secret in the courts, and bring them to the attention of the public.
Our aim is to promote the rights of children and their parents. We are neither pro, nor against any parent, irrespective of gender.
Gary Da Silva
NATIONAL PUBLIC RELATIONS AND MEDIA OFFICER