I met my wife at Stellenbosch Faculty of Medicine in 1992. We were both to become successful medical doctors and were on track to reach for the stars...and they were within our grasp.
But it was not to be...
We were unable to become soul mates and made many mistakes. Life is full of demands and hardships, and the only way to cope with it all, is to have a loving supportive and understanding relationship with your spouse. We sadly failed at the most important task of our lives.
Mimi was born on 25 April 2002…the most beautiful, gorgeous, little angel any parent can ever hope for. She certainly changed my life forever! For the first time, I experienced complete and utter, unconditional love, and the true meaning of life dawned upon me. I was in heaven...God has finally decided to bless me with happiness.
But the storm clouds gathered ominously…
My wife and I were drifting further and further apart. Towards the end of 2003, I was completely emotionally burnt out. I could not cope with medical practice or daily life anymore. I went for burnout counselling, which soon turned into marriage counselling. In spite of our best efforts, we could not make meaningful progress, and I asked for a trial separation.
The REAL nightmare was about to start...
Not only did my wife move out of the house, but she relocated to another province with our daughter. The pain was excrutiating!
The next thing a pack of lawyers hounded me. There was the smell of money. Threats of financial ruin followed.
A forensic psychologist (Leigh Pettigrew) appointed by the mother’s legal team recommended that Mimi spend either 4 out of 7 days with me, alternatively every weekend due to the distance between us.
For the first few months I flew from Cape Town weekly on a Friday morning, hired a car, stayed in a guesthouse, spent the weekend with our daughter, and flew back from Pretoria on Sunday evening.
But my contact weekends were cancelled one after the other.
I was powerless against the onslaught of family law and blood-thirsty lawyers. The police couldn’t help me, the Child Protection Unit turned me away, the Office of the Family Advocate turned me away, and the lawyers were greedily attacking.
By May 2004, my access was only 3 hours per week!!! And for that I had to fly from Cape Town to Pretoria.
So I gave up my home, practice, family, friends and relocated as well. I was determined to maintain the bond with our daughter, even it meant sacrificing my life.
On my arrival, it was my 40th birthday month, and our daughter was kept away from me for the entire month. I died a slow painful death!
The lawyers threatened me, her father threatened me, her brother threatened me, and her friends and family ignored my pleas of desperation.
And her family is wealthy, so the lawyers are hounding...and the justice system sees insisting fathers as vexatious.
I pushed my attorney in Cape Town (Caroline Dichmont of BuchananBoyes) to get a court order. She told me not to expect her to hold my hand during my ordeal due to my own bad decisions! It took them 8 months to get a simple Rule 43, which should have taken at most 2 months. The senior advocate became unavailable days before the court case and a junior was appointed. She did not even know whether I lived in Cape Town or Pretoria. Consequently the judge ruled the usual alternate weekend access on the incorrect assumption that I lived in another province.
I fired the lot!
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa was born.
I appointed the famous Louis Shapiro and was told at my 1st visit to leave R30 000.00 at the reception. I was prepared to leave R3m at the reception if he could take away the pain of losing my daughter.
Unbeknown to me he was terminally ill. My file was passed between all the junior attorneys and no-one had a comprehensive view of my case. Adv Mark Haskins was just as unhelpful. He also became unavailable days before a Rule 43(6) application and I was forced to consult another senior advocate. She told me to withdraw the application, at huge costs, due its obvious technical shortcomings. I read in the newspaper about Shapiro’s death. Nearly 18 months was wasted, many thousands of rands on numerous flawed High Court applications. On top of it all, I found out they did not even know my daughter’s name.
So I fired the lot as well!
This time I also lodged a complaint of unprofessional conduct with the Law Society against the Shapiro’s and was refunded every last penny I paid them. They came off lightly.
There were a few other useless lawyers I used. All of them were more concerned about making up their accounts than with my daughter’s wellbeing. I got sick and tired of accounts for “attend to standing up” and “attend to sitting down”! In one boardroom there was a message scribbled on the chalkboard “custody=$$$$”. Sickening!
I eventually started doing my own legal work. Although I made costly mistakes along the way, at least they were my mistakes and I was prepared to pay for them. And the satisfaction of standing in a High Court and telling a judge that these experts are liars to their face, made it all the more worthwhile.
Many more rotten apples followed.
Psychologist Christa du Toit did a full custody evaluation without as much as informing me about it. I got her scrapped from the role at the medical council.
Psychologist Henk Swanepoel nodded his head in agreement and was amazed at the unfolding of my case and then stuck a dagger in my back. I believe several complaints are being dealt with by the medical council against him.
Eddy Wandrag of Haasbroek & Boezaart, my ex’s attorneys, which gave me all hell on earth and inflicted untold hardship on our daughter, turned out to be nothing more than a clerk playing legal war games. He escaped narrowly from the Law Society on technicalities, but ill health will eventually inflict his pain at the mercy of my profession.
Probably most devastation was inflicted by the Office of the Family Advocate.
It took them 3 months just to acknowledge receipt of the Annexure B. We had ONE interview over the period of nearly 2 years with Adv SalomeLangeveld. She clearly did not study any of the documents I handed her. I told her I would like to see my daughter every day, even just for a quick ice-cream in the park. She told me I should know that children should not eat ice-cream every day! I asked for us to be referred for mediation, she told me she does not believe in mediation in high-conflict cases! I pleaded, I begged, I threatened, I cried, I prayed, and pleaded some more. After nearly 18 months of agony, I eventually got a High Court order against her to finalize her report as a matter of urgency. It took her a further 3 months! And of course, no surprise, it was another dagger in my back! In stead of normalising my access, she kept it to the minimum and punished me with 3 months parental guidance to develop insight into my actions with not-so-subtle reference to F4J actions.
Nearly 3 years passed since our separation and my daughter was 5 years old already. And still not a single sleepover or a single short holiday with my family. At times she called me “oom” or even the mother’s friends’ names. The pain was indescribeable!
I was referred to yet another Psychologist Elmarie Visser for the parental guidance. Needless to say, I trusted her as little as the rest of family law. To my astonishment, she actually proved to be only interested in our daughter’s best interest. There was no taking sides but just extremely professional and effective intervention in what has turned into a nightmare. My contact was normalised and extended to include sleepovers and holidays. My prayers were answered.
I was happy, our daughter was happy, the family advocate was happy, my ex was happy, her lawyer was happy, and the divorce was finalised 2 days before the trial was about to begin.
(Makes you wonder about the saying that most divorces are settled on the steps of the court after the lawyers have milked everyone for the most up until the very last minute…)
Psychologist Elmarie Visser has been appointed by the courts to act as ongoing mediator and has been doing an outstanding job keeping the peace in Mimi’s life. Thank God for her!
Since then all has been relatively quiet, barring a few minor issues. My daughter is growing up with a hop-skip-and-jump in her step, she moves between the 2 homes seamlessly, my ex has remarried, and I treasure my bachelorship. My medical career is still pretty much in shatters, so is my trust in mankind. I am often plagued by left-over feelings of anxiety and depression following what have been the most traumatic experience of my life. Life can never be the same for me…
Do I have any regrets? Yes. I regret not having worked harder to save my marriage. I regret the strain this ordeal has placed on supportive family and friends. I regret that the mother and I still cannot communicate even after 6 years. I regret still being mostly excluded from our daughter's activities. I regret that this will continue until the day I die.
And most of all, I regret the pain it has caused our daughter and the negative impact it may have on her future wellbeing. For that I will probably never be able to forgive myself.
But if my experience can change the ordeal for the better for 1 single child, my pain would be just a little less.
